Shipmates,
As you’ve probably deduced
from the title of this missive, I, the Dread Pirate Dewey, have once more let
loose the dogs of war to take arms against a sea of troubles!* And let me tell
you my fine friends, the seas are aboil with trouble! Trouble with a capital T,
or, to be more accurate, the capitals AARP!** During my time ashore, this old
salty dog had begun to feel as though perhaps he’d been too hard on the aged
patrons that plagued my nightmares. Perhaps the leering faces that continually
haunted those moments of solitude snatched from a busy world were only hungry
for love and not, in fact, the youthful sap that flows through my veins.
Perhaps it was I, your humble narrator, who was too harsh—harsher even than the
florescent lighting on the ship that turns even the spryest septuagenarian into
a haggard octogenarian!
Well shipmates, I was wrong. It turns out
the hordes of porcine, grubbing animals that howled along the avenues of my
darkest realms*** are, in fact, well, grubbing howling pig-like beasts. Now, my
months of land-based reflection and personal growth have given me pause in these
descriptions; I don’t want to imply that every person over the age of 60 is a
shambling pile of poor taste and cellulite. No, the chattel that roam the hallowed
halls of the Mighty Adventure**** are
not your typical retiree. These bovine need holes have been fed a steady diet
of unreasonable privilege, high-fat gruel, and Fox “News” for years by a secret
organization of people who hate me! Or so I must assume. It is simply
inconceivable that a group of some 1200 strangers could congregate and somehow
all become so quickly skilled in the difficult art of annoying me!*****
This is why, dear friends, I have returned
to these literary shores. I thought I was free from the shackles of the quill,
but as I gaze about my library and watch the quietly shifting mountain seated
by the window splay her wide digits across the screen of her expensive tablet
whilst playing Bejeweled as part of the continual struggle to stave off boredom
until the next feeding, I know that I need some form of mental retreat, some
succor from the great unwashed masses that want nothing but my sanity!******
Thus, I have returned! I hope to write soon about my time ashore, about Mormon
interlopers, and about sundry other pressing matters!
*I’ve also begun mixing allusions! Fun and
pretentious!
**Look it up.
***I mean my dreams pervert.
****My new home! Arrgh! The name is just as
pretentious, trust me!
*****Actually, it’s not a difficult art.
Probably not even, technically, an art at all.
******Well that and 6 or 7 high-calorie
meals a day.
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