Shipmates,
Well now, even if you were you the most cliché-loving, James-Pattersonesque
hack squeezing out a living by convincing the reading public that your putrid
prose deserves to packaged and sold as anything but dollar-store kitty litter, I
would credit you with the imagination to come up with a scenario more original
and less tied to the cruel whims of ironic fate than that that has befallen the
Dread Pirate Dewey!* After months of surviving the vagaries of institution
cooking,** dodging the quavering, germ-incrusted paws of the filthy elderly
scamps I serve so lovingly, and even braving almost an entire cruise under the
fearful Code Red, I, the mighty main-conquering bandit of the vast oceanic depths,
have been felled by a mere plate of mussels!
You see shipmates, the other night I received an
oh-so-interesting “electronic mail” whilst happily ignoring the roving bands of
slobbering retirees. It seems, according to this missive, that delicious
mussels were to be served that very evening in the Officer’s Bar! Now, those
who know me well know that if there is anything the Dread Pirate Dewey can
never refuse it’s four things: damsels in distress,*** a good WOD with my CF
people, a ship and/or coastal village ready to taste the buccaneer’s blade,
and, of course, free, or at least reasonably priced, mussels! Oh, those
disgusting-looking bivalva mollusca! How you look so like alien beings come to this
world to spread hope and forgiveness! And oh, how wonderful you taste once
cooked in a nice red wine, marinara sauce, or, failing that, a creamy, white
wine-based sauce!
But now, even though I still have a lot of respect and love
for my slimy little sea buddies, I fear it will be many a week—nay month!—before
one shall know the pleasure of entering my oral cavity!***** For you see
shipmates, I have send to the hole for my sins! Any GI symptoms reported by
crew or passengers aboard the mighty Pequod are dealt with by quarantining the
patient, and, since I share chambers with a lovely long-haired vagrant,****** they
sentenced me to 48 hours of solitary confinement in the infirmary. Although
this sounds harsh, remember that this is the Dread Pirate Dewey in the stir!
The man who once wrestled giant ice sharks in the arctic circle! The famed
plank-walker known for his ability to hold his breath underwater for over a
minute! The sea-bourn legend who once spent 37 years on a desert island
drinking naught but his own urine! OK, perhaps that last claim is not the most
glamorous, but dang it! If there is a mortal that can stand the terrible trial
that is the hole, it is without doubt the Dread Pirate Dewey!
Actually, this has been the first day off I have had in 4
months,******* and if it wasn’t for the...unpleasantness...this would be quite
enjoyable. I watched Cronenberg’s Crash
(way better than that other crappy Crash
that won an Oscar) and Lars Von Tier’s Dogville
(if the gangsters showed up today and offered me the Power would I have all the
elderly swine destroyed? Hmmmm), amongst countless episodes of Cougartown.********
I have also played video games, written this blog entry, got my nails did, read
a Western, slept, and basically laid in bed for hours. I feel like this is a
good taste of what my first week post-Pequod will be like, and all I can say
is, bring it!*********
*No I wouldn’t.
**Hint: the secret ingredient is probably not “love.”
***Or dude’s**** in distress; I’m actually a pretty nice
guy.
****Is there a male form of damsel or is this another
instance when the English tongue turns yet
another sensitive feminist soul into a
Nascar-watching, “get-me-another-beer-hon” pleb? Curse you language!
*****Get your mind out of the gutter! Is nothing sacred?
******Known as “Jazz Fingers” among land-based circles of
solvent-huffing, underpass dwellers nation-wide.
*******Pathetic, right?
********Thanks Kaitlyn! You are the best!
*********Except for the vomiting.
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