Shipmates,
As any who truly know my wild marauder
nature*, you will of course take it for granted that the Dread Pirate Dewey holds no faith in the flimsy illusion of
nationhood! Yea, there is not a flag that flaps in the wind that would elicit
the solemn tear of the true patriot; and The Dread Pirate Dewey would certainly
never wait on bended knee while some royal tick grew fat and bloated feasting
upon the unfairly levied taxes made possible merely because they are swathed in
the purple robes of tradition!**
All this you know to be true mates, and
yet…and yet the Dread Pirate Dewey had more than the salty brine of the sea
upon his manly cheek when first he regained Canadian waters! T’was a night like
many others; The Dread Pirate and his sultry Piratess were enjoying some stale
ship’s biscuits and grog*** aboard the mighty Pequod when the Dread Pirate felt
his muscled heart give an extra squeeze! A joyous squeeze that echoed the first
natal pump that heralded the Dread Pirate’s entrance into this mortal realm!
The Dread Piratess, being but an ignorant American, felt nothing of this grand
revelation; surely, her equally-mighty heart must have felt just a little more
liberated being for once in the land of the truly free; the republican vein
that marbles any cut of American beef must have shriveled just a little bit
upon seeing the majesty of a humanely-organized society!
Regardless, for the Dread Pirate, it was a
moment of celebration! Finally able to use money that makes sense—no more of
this single colour nonsense! Give me colour-coded currency or give me death!
And since we are praising colour, let us not forget that glorious “u” that
colours our very Canadian language! Oh “u”! Oh lovely “u”! How you bring such a
youthful glow to the dimpled cheeks of our words! Truly, no grunting, trailer
park dwelling American sweating over a keyboard with a bag of salty snacks
firmly fastened in porcine digits could compete with the honour afforded by the
simple “u”!****
And yet for all this joy, all this
fulfillment of the Homeric conventions of the hero returning home, there is a
touch of sadness to this tale. For all that the universe surely smiles upon all
that is Canadian, the Dread Pirate must ponder in his manly soul, where for art
thou Caribbean sun? Clear blue waters that once washed over Dread Pirate Dewey,
whose body is now being licked by your salty tongue?***** Oh glorious and
fast-setting Caribbean sun! Are you now the unloyal concubine of another’s
eyes? Oh days of yore when time off the Pequod meant time on the white beaches
of a tropical paradise!******
But mate, this is life. With the good, such
as looking upon your child’s first smile, and the great, such as when the Lido
actually has kidney beans available during the evening meal, comes the bad, the
sure knowledge that your son or daughter will undoubtedly be a vast
disappointment or the even more sure knowledge that tomorrow the Lido will fail
to provide any healthy carbs instead serving bucets of butter-drenched
over-cooked vegitables thus forcing you once again to choke down a plate full
of none-too-fresh “salad!”. Yea, as the
preacher once said, “there truly is nothing new under the sun, just stale
veggies poorly prepared.”
*I’m like the proverbial rolling stone that
gathers no moss—except that I also pillage treasure-laden ships and coastal
villages. Arrrg!
**Or maybe the Dread Pirate Dewey is just
too lazy/irresponsible to file his taxes. Either way.
***More likely it was the usual
not-exactly-fresh veggies, not-quite-identifiable cut of meat, and water, but
close enough.
****There are, in fact, other reasons to
love Canada, but this seems sufficient for now.
*****Get your mind out of the gutter!
******Either that or hunting for slow and
expensive internet.
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